Across Time and Space 2 - Fracture
by Punkylemon
Summary: Year: 1990. A sequel to 'Across Time and Space' set eighteen months later. A devastating car crash turns the gang's lives upside down. One lies unconscious in the hospital, one does some serious soul-searching in order to cope and another inexplicably goes AWOL while old hostilities fall under new scrutiny.
1. The Broken Jester

Johnny's car streaked through the night, the light from the street lamps becoming lines across the hood, the engine roaring like some feral animal.

But it wasn't enough. Not for me.

"Can't we go just a bit faster, Johnny?" I asked. Tense. Worried. Needing to go faster and my insane brain somehow convincing me I could get out and run faster than Johnny's car, so mixed up was my head at that moment.

"You know I can't." Johnny muttered, still audible over the car engine. "If I get pulled over, that's no help to anyone. Least of all to them!"

He was right of course.

I should shut up and keep quiet until we got to the hospital.

But I didn't.

"How far away are we now?"

"Ten miles." Johnny reported. "About two miles closer since you last asked me." He added, coldly.

"You could be a little more sympathetic." I muttered.

"Jac, you've been asking how close we are every couple of miles for the last few minutes. I'm right on the speed limit as it is. I can't go any faster, I'm sorry. I'm going as fast as I can. Don't you think I wanna get there too?"

"You're right. Sorry." I said, and really did fall silent this time.

For a moment anyway.

"I'm just so scared.."

Johnny looked at me, briefly, before turning his eyes back to the road. He reached out and squeezed my arm in the darkness of the car.

"Hey. They'll be ok. They're fighters." He said, reassuringly. But there was a doubtful edge to his voice that I didn't like.

"They'd better be.." I said under my breath.

No sooner had the car pulled into the hospital parking lot, than I was unbuckling my seatbelt with shaking hands.

_Hold on, Tommy! Hold on! I'm here!_

"Christ!" Johnny exclaimed in shock. "At least wait for me to park the car!"

"Sorry! Sorry!" I said, and put my face in my hands, fighting to keep control. Johnny found a spot and swung in, not caring that the car wasn't straight, and turned off the ignition. He reached and swiftly released his belt as I opened my door. Together, we crossed the parking lot and entered the hospital at a brisk march.

As we entered the waiting room a few minutes later, I could see Bobby and Jimmy sitting stiffly on chairs. Surprisingly, Dutch was also there in a hospital gown, with his right arm in a hefty cast and with black bruises down his right side. He sat, staring into space but with a thunderous expression on his face.

"Dutch," Johnny said, surprised, "why are you here, man? Shouldn't you be-..."

"Don't!" Dutch snapped, not breaking his thousand yard stare into the floor.

"The nurse already tried like hell. He won't stay in bed." Bobby informed us, his voice flat and expressionless.

I stood, staring at the door through to the wards. Tommy lay behind them somewhere. But I couldn't go and find him yet. The deprivation was scratching at my brain and making me restless and I found I couldn't even think of sitting down so, instead, I paced the waiting room. One side to the other. Five times. Fifteen times. Twenty-three times. My weird rationalising came back and I figured that, if I managed fifty full lengths of the waiting room, Tommy would be okay. So I counted.

Twenty-seven times.

Thirty-two times.

"Oh my God, Jac! Can you sit down!?" Johnny suddenly growled as I walked past him for the fortieth time.

"No." I said, shortly.

"It's irritating!"

"Hey, leave her alone, man! You know how close she is to Tommy and she's scared!" Bobby leapt to my defense.

Johnny punched the arm of the sofa he was on and stood up.

"..going to the bathroom." He hissed, and marched from the room.

I kept walking.

Kept counting.

Forty-three.

Forty-four.

Forty-five.

The door to the wards suddenly opened and a grave-looking, middle aged nurse with dark hair came through them. She looked at us all in turn. My stomach dropped through the floor.

"No! I'm not done yet!" I said, out loud. I had five more lengths to do.

The nurse didn't react beyond a momentary flicker of confusion before she gathered herself.

"Two of you can come in at a time." She informed us.

"Jac, you go." Bobby said, taking charge. "Dutch?"

"Nah, man." Dutch replied, his gaze still fixed on the floor.

"Okay then. Jimmy?" Bobby said, enquiringly, turning to Jimmy who hadn't spoken a single word since we'd arrived. "You've known Tommy the longest."

Jimmy nodded and stood up.

Before we walked out of the waiting room together, I turned to Bobby.

"What about Johnny?"

"We'll deal with him when he gets back." Bobby reassured me.

I nodded and looked up at Jimmy who looked back apprehensively. I could tell we were both feeling the same thing. Both of us were scared of what we'd see when we walked into that hospital room. I clutched Jimmy's arm in an attempt to comfort him, without saying anything, and Jimmy responded by reaching up and actually taking my hand. Jimmy had always been the most sensitive one out of all of us and this was going to be tough, especially considering how long he and Tommy had known each other. They'd been friends since elementary school. Together, we walked through the doors and were led down the corridor a short way.

I'd never liked hospitals. They smelt funny. They were too clean, too clinical, too cold. They were so unnatural and there was a constant atmosphere of foreboding in the air that I could almost taste.

We were led to a hospital room and the door was held open for us so we stepped inside. The nurse stayed in the corridor. Oh my God, it was horrible in here! It was all white walls and hard floor and chunks of metal apparatus all over the place.

And there, on a bed with a cold metal frame with cold white sheets, lay Tommy. I felt like my insides had collapsed as I looked. He lay with his head back on the pillow, his eyes closed, his face partially obscured by the plastic pipe that hooked him up to a ventilator. The visible skin was either sprayed with cuts (the worst ones stitched), bruised with hues of black and purple or covered in dressings. He looked so uncomfortable. Even unconscious, his mind elsewhere, away from this place.

I heard a noise to my right. Like a sob quickly stifled. I looked at Jimmy. He was standing stiffly, his hands flexing awkwardly, and biting his lower lip.

"Oh, Jimmy."

He looked at me just as a tear rolled down his cheek. He flicked it away, furiously. Cobras did _not _cry! I reached out to him and he fell on me, wrapping his arms around me and laying his head on my shoulder like a frightened child. He turned his face away from me but the shudders that ensued betrayed his silent sobs. I rubbed his back and stood with him for a moment.

After what could have been an hour but was probably less than a minute, I gently murmured,

"I have to-... I have to go and see him."

Jimmy nodded and let go of me, keeping his head turned away.

I left him to his own devices and walked over to Tommy's bed, sinking into a chair beside him. I couldn't believe it. No matter how long I looked at his face, my brain wouldn't accept that this was Tommy. I reached out and took his long-fingered hand in mine. There was no reaction. Not a twitch, not a flutter of his eyelashes, not a flex of his fingers. Nothing.

And that was when it hit me. It washed over me all at once. Tommy was lying here, unresponsive and broken. Some part of my brain seemed to instantly regress back to childhood and I wanted to shake him and wake him up. If I called his name, he'd hear me and wake and everything would be normal again. I didn't need much. I just needed him to open his eyes. I needed him to look at me. I didn't even need to hear him speak. I just needed something!_ Anything _to show me he was still in there!

But nothing.

He just lay there.

He just lay there as his vitals bleeped across a screen and the ventilator hissed over and over again.

I wondered what had happened to the driver that had hit him and Dutch. Had he died? Some malicious and vengeful part of me hoped that he had! No matter how much Mr. Miyagi had taught me, I was still a Cobra. And the one responsible for this deserved no mercy from me!

"Tommy..." I whispered, and I crumbled. I lay my head on Tommy's bed, his hand still in mine, and sobbed. How could this have happened? How was this fair!? I couldn't fathom it.

There was a sudden shout in the corridor and the door opened violently. Johnny came striding in, the nurse's protests muted as the door swung shut. He stood there next to Jimmy who was still standing back.

"My God, Tommy...!" Johnny muttered, unable to believe what he was seeing.

He walked up and put a hand on my shoulder.

I turned and buried my face in his chest.

"Oh Johnny!" I sobbed.

Johnny stroked my hair.

"Ssh. Ssh. I know."

"I-... I can't-...!" I fought to speak. I didn't know what I wanted to say. I wanted to express my horror at what had happened, my anger at the driver responsible, my grief at Tommy's fate, but nothing seemed to encapsulate it. No words could do it justice. So I just sobbed.

Johnny wrapped both arms around me and held me close.

I could still see Jimmy hovering so I reached out a hand.

"Jimmy..."

Silently, Jimmy walked forwards a couple of paces and took my hand, still too shell-shocked to say anything. And the three of us just stood (or sat in my case), reeling at the whole situation.

Our morbid diorama was disturbed by a cry from the direction of the waiting room. The three of us glanced at each other and back at Tommy a few times. There was another shout.

"We should see what's up. I think that was Bobby." Johnny said, quietly, as though afraid he'd wake Tommy. He went to move towards the door and was followed by Jimmy. When he reached the door, he stopped. "Jac, c'mon. Tommy will be okay. He's not goin' anywhere."

Slowly, and without taking my eyes off Tommy's battered form, lying prone on the crisp hospital sheets, I stood up. With a lingering stare, I moved away and eventually followed Johnny out into the corridor.

Dutch was apparently not taking the situation well. Bruised and battered though he was, he was making his best attempt at kicking through a wall (and judging by the candy wrappers, paper cups and napkins all over the floor, he'd also sent the little basket trashcan flying). Bobby did his best to pull Dutch back and calm him down, only to be pushed roughly away with Dutch's good arm.

"..fuck away from me, man!" Dutch shouted.

"Please! There are sick people here!" The nurse was squealing, completely ineffectually. "You need to be in bed yourself!"

"You can shut up too, bitch!" Dutch bellowed, rounding on her.

"Dutch, man, take it easy!" Johnny shouted over the ruckus.

"Dutch, this isn't helping anybody. Please just try to calm down." I contributed.

"Why should I, huh!? The world ain't fair to us! So why should we be fair back!?" With that, he sent a pretty solid side kick at the wall and actually succeeded in chipping the plaster (the nurse shrieked).

"But beating up the waiting room, Dutch? How is that helping?" I asked.

"I DON'T CARE!"

Dutch kicked over a standing plant in the corner of the room, covering the already litter-strewn carpet with earth.

And then, as if the universe was deliberately trying to push Dutch to his limit, a very unwelcome visitor appeared in the doorway.

I stared as Mike Barnes stood, staring at the destruction, with a stunned look on his pale face.

Paler than normal...

"What the hell-..?." Bobby breathed, disbelievingly.

Dutch wheeled around to see who Bobby was looking at... and saw red. With another shriek from the nurse, Dutch vaulted the sofa that was in his way, paying no heed to the fact his hospital gown was coming undone, and grabbed Mike by the front of the red shirt he was wearing, slamming him against the wall.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING HERE?! WHY IS IT, WHENEVER TOMMY'S BEAT UP, YOU'RE NEVER FAR AWAY!?" Dutch yelled in his face.

But, unlike the Mike Barnes we knew, he didn't react. He didn't raise his arms to defend himself. He didn't yell back. He didn't throw a punch. He just looked blank. His eyes, instead, came to rest on _me_.

"Where is he?" He asked, quietly, his voice sounding oddly far away.

"I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, ASSHOLE! AND YOU CAN STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM TOMMY! WAS IT YOU, HUH!? WERE YOU THE ONE THAT HIT US!? YOU COME HERE TO BRAG, IS THAT IT!?"

"Where is he?" Mike asked me again, more insistent this time. His expression remained the same. Blank.

Dutch growled and pulled Mike forwards so he could slam him against the wall a second time. Mike winced but, otherwise, didn't do a thing.

"Why?" I asked, sharply.

"I just... I wanna make sure he's okay. Is he okay?" Mike asked and I was shocked to hear genuine concern in his voice.

"THAT'S NONE OF-...!"

"DUTCH, SHUT IT!" I yelled. And Dutch did. His head whipped round and he stared at me, not used to having me act so aggressive towards him. He did, however, maintain his grip on Mike but it seemed needless. Mike didn't seem to have any intention of moving anywhere.

I stepped forwards and addressed Mike.

"Why do you want to know about Tommy?" I asked, calmly, aware that my face was still red from crying.

"I-... I was-... I was in the car that hit 'em." Mike said, falteringly.

Dutch snarled and pulled Mike forwards again, ready to slam him back against the wall a third time but I grabbed his arm. 

"Don't!" I warned him. I looked back at Mike. "You? So it was you driving the car!? Give me one good reason I shouldn't let Dutch finish you off! Or, better still, kick your head off your shoulders myself!"

"No! I wasn't driving!" Mike insisted. "I was in the back seat. Snake was driving. We got wasted at some party. We were on the way back when we hit 'em."

Dutch pulled Mike up close to his face.

"Then where's this Snake bastard, huh!?" He hissed. "I'm gonna give him what's comin' to him!"

"He's dead." Mike replied, flatly.

I stared.

So that explained the stunned expression, the total detachment, the unwillingness to defend himself.

"Mike... I..."

"So, this guy... Tommy? Is he okay?" Mike cut me off.

"He's in a coma, no thanks for askin'!" Jimmy suddenly piped up, speaking for the first time. "That all you wanted to say?"

"He... for real?" Mike stuttered.

"Yeah. So now you know how he is. Nice talkin' to ya!" Dutch growled and threw him towards the door. Mike stumbled but managed to stay standing. He straightened up and looked back at us for a moment before turning slowly and walking away down the corridor.

"Mike!" I called.

Mike turned.

"Sorry." I said, sincerely.

Mike nodded and walked away as though in a trance. Where he was going, I had no idea.


	2. Recurrence

**Author's Notes:**___Ooooooft! This fic is hard to write out fully on an emotional level..! All of my fics are written down, largely in note form, and I needed this and 'Across Time and Space – A Good Place to Start' to run parallel to each other for the sake of giving history and reasons behind things that happen in this one. But writing whole scenarios out is... wow. _

Things calmed down a bit after Mike left. The nurse had run into a back office, threatening to call the police just after Dutch had jumped the sofa, and had, mercifully, not seen the full scuffle. Bobby had managed to talk her out of it with some quickly thought-out guff about Dutch trashing the waiting room as a coping mechanism and ensuring her that he'd never seriously hit a person (total bullshit of course) and promised that we'd pay for the damage to the wall. The four of us (myself, Bobby, Jimmy and Johnny) had all helped to get the waiting room back in order, picking up trash, righting the trash can and rescuing the no-longer-standing plant.

Bobby and Johnny had overpowered Dutch and eventually succeeded in getting him to return to his bed, amid furious growls and grumbles on Dutch's part.

After this, Johnny just about convinced me to go back home with him. I reluctantly followed him out of the building and back to his car.

I sat, staring out of the window as we drove in silence. I couldn't get Tommy out of my mind. I just kept seeing him lying there, still and broken, kept alive by machines. Happy, energetic, hyperactive Tommy. He didn't look right without his smile.

I swept a tear away.

"Hey, Johnny,"

"Mm."

"Can you take me to the hospital first thing in the morning?"

"Sure."

"Thanks."

"Not going to class?"

"No."

We pulled into the little parking bay at the apartment block where Johnny and I had lived together for the past four months. I sat with my seatbelt still on, staring up at our window. My brain was reminding me of every time Tommy had come over for a visit and wouldn't shut the hell up, no matter how hard I tried. I didn't want to go in. I just wanted to go... where? There was nowhere I could go that wouldn't make me think of him and the fun we'd had.

"Hey." Johnny said, gently. "C'mon. You can't stay here."

I nodded and undid my belt.

Johnny was first in the door. Our apartment was small and haphazard, much like Johnny's old room at his mother's had been. Clothes and books everywhere, dishes still in the sink, mail on the mat. I shifted a pile of magazines off my favourite spot on the sofa and sat down, my brain still chasing its own tail around my skull. I couldn't shake it. The pictures just kept flicking like one of those flip books I used to make as a kid. Tommy sharing his Reese's Pieces with me on the bus the first day we'd hung out properly, Tommy's amazing cannonball at the pool that time a year or so ago, Tommy and I finally completing Dragon's Lair at the arcade and whooping with joy and I'd grabbed Tommy and... shit. Shit! I didn't need to remember that. I ground my knuckles against my forehead in a physical attempt at clearing the images.

Johnny nudged my foot with his and I looked up. He handed me a mug of hot chocolate. He shifted the same pile of magazines off the sofa and onto the floor and took a seat next to me, glancing over at me as he did so.

"He'll pull through. I know it." He said, his hushed voice startlingly loud in the silent apartment.

"You can't know that."

"Well, sure. But I know Tommy. And Tommy's one hell of a fighter. If anyone can get through this, it's him."

I looked up at him, unable to stop my eyes from glassing over.

"And if he doesn't?"

"He will." Johnny looked at me, sympathetically. "C'mere." He held an arm out and I leant against him. Johnny stroked my shoulder with a thumb reassuringly. "We'll go see him first thing. We'll stay all day if that's what you want."

I put a hand on Johnny's chest.

"Thank you."

Johnny did as he promised. When morning came, I woke to find the bed empty and, when I shuffled through to the living area, Johnny was wandering around in his pyjamas, drinking coffee and attempting to read mail.

"You know something? I've tried to read this page about six times and I still haven't taken in a damn thing." He informed me, without looking up.

"What is it? A bill?"

"I_ think _so... Ugh. When did we become adults, huh?" He shot me a quick half-smile and threw the bill down on the kitchen table.

"Tell me about it!" I said, dropping myself into one of the kitchen chairs. I wrapped my arms around myself. I wasn't cold. I was just generally uncomfortable. Like when you're wearing a jacket that's a size too small or when something gets stuck to your skin like a piece of tape or a sticker and you get that weird feeling up your back and you just want it to go away. But I couldn't take this off like a jacket. I had to wear it. I drew my legs up onto the chair and hugged my knees instead but it didn't help.

"Want something to eat?" Johnny asked. "We actually have cereal for a change."

I shook my head.

"Not hungry." I responded, flatly. "But thank you!" I added, quickly.

The hospital seemed far less daunting in the morning sunlight. We pulled into the parking lot and Johnny parked (straight this time). The sky was overcast with light grey so everything looked flat and expressionless. A strange, intrusive thought trespassed on my mind. Seeing as this was a movie world, was this grey sky a reaction to what was happening, I wondered. "Pathetic fallacy" as it's known. I shook my head. This was not the time.

We found Dutch and Jimmy in the day room when we got there. Dutch was looking as pissed off as ever but at least he wasn't kicking over pot plants this time. He barely spoke a word while we were there. Just sat, moodily, in his chair. When we enquired as to where Bobby was, Jimmy informed us he'd gone to class. The Cobras were in their third year and I in my second.

"I got class too." Dutch grumbled after a time.

"Nurse says you only have to be in here a few days, man. Your arm got smashed up, but, other than that, you got pretty lucky." Johnny said, fairly. "They just need to know that nothing else is wrong."

"I'm fine!" Dutch snarled in response.

"Dutch, just... just wait it out? Please?" I pleaded with him. "I want to know you're okay too. Alright? Just do it for me?"

Dutch shifted where he sat.

"What are you? My mom?" He muttered, and went silent.

I felt reassured. That was about as good a response as I could expect from Dutch and I decided not to push it. I ran a hand through my short hair.

"Hey. I'm going to go and see Tommy." I said and stood up. "Johnny, you coming?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in a little bit."

I walked into the ICU with its detestable white walls and cold atmosphere and was surprised to see a woman already there. She was pretty old. She had to be in her seventies. She was very small with her greying brown hair simply braided and she sat in a chair by Tommy's bed, her hand on his. She turned to look at me as I walked in.

"Oh! I'm sorry. I'll come back later." I said, and turned to leave.

"You don't need to do that, my dear." The old lady said, kindly. She smiled... and her smile was exactly the same as Tommys! The lines around her eyes crinkled in exactly the same way, her eyes glittered with the same life. I stared. "I'm Thomas's Nana." She introduced herself. "You can call me Ruth."

I was astonished and strangely honoured. I'd never heard Tommy even mention his family before. None of us had ever gone round his house except for Jimmy and he'd never said anything about Tommy's family. And now, here was this grandmother out of nowhere!

"Hi. I'm Jac." I said, strangely awe-struck, extending a hand. Ruth took it in her wizened little bird claw and smiled wider.

"Oh! So you're Jac! Well I should have known really, I suppose. Thomas has told me all about you. Didn't you change your name?"

I ran a hand through my hair again, awkwardly.

"Yeah. I used to go by... something else."

Ruth chuckled and shrugged, good-naturedly.

"You young people are always reinventing yourselves these days aren't you. Well, it's lovely to finally meet you. Thomas talks about you all the time."

"He does!?"

I looked over at poor Tommy on his bed. He hadn't moved a nanometre since yesterday. It was as though I hadn't been away.

"Oh yes. Ever since he was a boy. "Nana, I made this cool new friend! She's from England!" "Hey, Nana, I'm gonna see such-and-such movie with Izzi!" "Nana, Izzi knows some really cool bands!" It's all I'd hear."

Ruth looked down sadly at her battered, unconscious grandson and put a hand out and neatened his hair for him.

"I miss hearing it too." She whispered.

I looked at this poor lady and she looked so vulnerable. I put a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to reassure her.

"I miss him too." I said, quietly.

Ruth rubbed my hand and smiled bravely.

"Bless you! I'm sure he'll pull through. My Thomas is a tough one. He'll be okay, won't you, sweetheart." She directed the last bit at Tommy himself.

Something occurred to me.

"Has Tommy's Mum and Dad been in already?" I asked, realising his grandma was here but not them.

Ruth inhaled deeply.

"My Rose and her husband passed away a long time ago, dear." She said, calmly and matter-of-factly, but with a deep undercurrent of despair.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to-...!"

"No no. No need to feel embarrassed. You didn't know." Ruth said. "Yes, they both passed away in the same accident when Thomas was just three years old. I raised him. It's a blessing for him that he was so young I suppose. He doesn't remember them enough for it to hurt him."

My stomach dropped like a stone. Poor poor Ruth! Her daughter had died in a crash. And now, here was her Grandson clinging to life for the exact same reason. She was unbelievably brave. I sniffed, trying to force myself not to cry on her behalf. But it wasn't working.

"May I hug you?" I asked, my voice tight.

Ruth looked up at me. Despite my best efforts, she must have seen my eyes getting glassy at least.

"Oh, my dear!" Ruth exclaimed, standing up. She put her arms around me and I returned her embrace. I'd only just met this woman but I already felt as though I'd known her for years. As if she was my own family. I felt such a deep sympathy for her.

_Please please wake up, Tommy! _I tried to project into his mind. _Your Nana needs you... and so do I._


	3. Breaking Point

Over the next few days, I barely left Tommy's side. I sat by his bed, staring at his face, willing him to wake up. I chatted to him non-stop. I neatened his hair or his sheets or the collar of his gown over and over again. I paced the corridors. I poured most of my money into the crap coffee machines and sat in the day room to drink it, even after Dutch checked out on day three. Johnny came to visit. And the others. Tommy's Nana came to visit too. Lots. She and I would sit and quietly reminisce our own stories of Tommy. I don't really know why. We just talked about all the stories and factoids we could think of, as though our memories would somehow breathe him back to consciousness. But it didn't work, of course.

On day five, Bobby came to visit. I was sitting in my usual chair by Tommy's side, idly smoothing the fabric that covered his shoulder again and again.

"You're starting to get missed at college," was the first thing out of Bobby's mouth as he stepped in the door.

I nodded, absent-mindedly. I didn't really care. I'd aced my exams so far. I was sure I could catch up on a week's worth of study.

"How's he doing?" Was the next thing Bobby said.

"Still the same." I replied, monotone and distant.

"Hey, Jac..." Bobby ventured. "I have something that I... I wanna ask you. And I know you might think it's stupid but..."

"I've already looked." I said, cutting him off. I knew what he was asking me.

"Oh...um... you have?"

I nodded.

"I can't find his consciousness anywhere. I did it between hops a couple of nights back. I figured I'd find him in the mid-point between worlds somewhere but... no luck. I looked between worlds, on limbo worlds, even my _own _damn world. Nothing."

"So... what does that mean?"

"It means he's still tethered to his body, I suppose. I don't know. I don't pretend to know everything, Bobby. Just what I need to. I don't even know if that's a good thing. That I can't find him, I mean. I honestly think it's just a case of waiting."

We were silent for a moment.

"Where's Johnny?" Bobby asked, after a time.

"At college. Final year and everything."

Bobby nodded.

"I've been meaning to get you on your own for some time, even before this happened. Are you and Johnny okay? I mean, you barely seem like a couple these days. I know he cares about you! He always has! And I know you care about him too! A lot! You just don't seem to be... _together_ anymore. ...Am I making sense?" He added, his face twisting into a slight grimace, afraid he hadn't been articulate enough.

I heaved a sigh.

"I don't know. Our honeymoon period passed by fairly quickly I guess. We were all over each other in the beginning. But, recently, we've been more like best friends who live in the same house and occasionally have sex," (Bobby cleared his throat awkwardly) "but maybe that's what's supposed to happen?"

Bobby barely reacted beyond glancing at the floor quickly, avoiding my gaze.

"Bobby, answer me truthfully. Do you think I fucked up, getting with Johnny?"

"You know I can't answer that. That's not up to me." Bobby said, reasonably.

I knew this of course. And it wasn't fair of me to try and put the decision in Bobby's hands. But it was always easier to ask someone else to take the wheel wasn't it. Truth be told, living with Johnny this past few months seemed to be having the opposite effect to what we'd actually wanted. We seemed to be drifting further apart rather than getting closer, staying together more for the convenience of it. It wasn't as though I could leave Johnny, though. That would just split the group up. Johnny didn't take break-ups well. No, I'd have to stay with him. Maybe we weren't what we should have been but "It's better the devil you know than the devil you don't." as the saying goes. It wasn't as though I didn't love Johnny. I did. Dearly. Just not as much as I thought, perhaps. Or not in the right way.

I casually smoothed Tommy's gown yet again as I thought about this and stared into his expressionless face. It was at times like this Tommy would instinctively know how to cheer me up. If he was here, I'd be at least grinning, if not full-on laughing, however bad the situation.

All was silent for about five minutes as we just sat there.

"So..." Bobby ventured. "...What do _you_ want?"

I had no idea what I wanted now. I just kind of felt like I was in limbo. Without Tommy here, everything seemed cloudy and uncertain.

"All I really want is for Tommy to wake up and come back to us." I answered, truthfully.

"You're really lost without him, huh?"

I nodded.

"Look, I uh.. I have class too. I really just came to check up on him." Bobby said, after a time. "You gonna be okay?"

Another nod.

Bobby patted my shoulder once and stood up, letting himself out of the ICU.

I remained staring at Tommy. I'd done a lot of that this last few days. I just sat and stared, trying to detect the very slightest movement. The tiniest flicker of an eyelid. Anything that might indicate life. Sometimes I fooled myself into thinking I saw something. But I soon realised that I'd just been staring so hard and for so long, I was likely making it up.

I dropped my head into my hand.

"Why can't you just come back, already?" I asked him.

That night I was sitting in my usual spot on the sofa, attempting to read a book but getting nowhere. More than once, I'd had to flip to the cover to remind myself of what the book was actually called. 'The Outsiders'. I wasn't just sad tonight. I was irritable. Johnny had barely been able to get near me all evening and I couldn't explain it. Anything he said or did just seemed to rile me up. The last had been about half an hour ago. He'd only asked how I was and I'd snapped that I was fine and why did he keep bugging me. Now, I let the book fall into my lap in defeat and rubbed my face with my hand.

"I'm sorry." I said, simply.

Johnny was sitting at the little table in the kitchen area, reading a book of his own. Now he looked up but said nothing.

"I shouldn't have bitten your head off. I'm sorry, Johnny." I said, turning my head awkwardly to look at him.

Johnny placed his book on the table and got up, walking over to the living area. He sat down in the one armchair, at a right-angle to the sofa, and sat with his elbows on his knees, looking at me, kindly.

"Forget about it." He murmured quietly.

"I don't just mean earlier today. Although, I do mean that too!" I assured him.

Johnny raised his head, blinking, apprehensive of what I was going to say next.

"I mean everything lately. Between us. We haven't been at our strongest have we? We just don't seem to... perhaps communicate as well as we should?"

"You want us to talk more?" Johnny asked, confused. "I thought we talked just fine."

"That's not quite what I mean. I meant..." but I was struggling to think of a way of putting it that Johnny would get. "You know what? Don't worry. My head's just really mixed up right now." I replied with a sigh.

"Can I do anything to help?" Johnny asked.

"I don't think so." I muttered. "I'm just so... pissed off!" I suddenly spat, and I saw Johnny straighten up slightly in shock.

"Whoa! God! What are you so pissed off at?"

I pushed myself to my feet and paced, angrily.

"That's just it! I don't even know, specifically. Just everything! Everything went to shit and I just want something to happen, you know? All this past few days has been is sitting around and moping and waiting! And I'm sick of it, Johnny! It's been nearly a week! A week of nothing happening and it's driving me crazy! I want to... I don't know... start a fight or something! Piss someone off and throw hands! Just anything to break up the sheer fucking monotony of it all!" I paused to take a few angry breaths. "But do you know what's fucking me up the most, Johnny? You know what's really churning my stomach and making me hate myself!?"

Johnny shook his head, stunned.

"I'm angry at _Tommy_!" I felt hot tears well up and spill over and run down my cheeks like magma. "I'm pissed off at him that he's not here as if it's somehow _his fault_!"

With that heartbreaking admission, I fell back down in my seat and sobbed.

"I can't even get revenge on that Snake fucker for it!" I choked out through my tears. "The bastard died and robbed me of that!"

Johnny snorted.

"Yeah well. We all wish we could tear that guy a new one for that!" He spat. Perhaps we should have known better and not spoken ill of the dead but, right now, we were united in our frustration. "Bastard." Johnny muttered, darkly.

"And now Dutch has gone too." I continued, my face streaked and disgusting. "I don't think anyone's seen him since he checked out. I mean, you said he hasn't turned up to college right?"

Johnny nodded.

"Yeah. I tried calling his apartment but he's either not there or he's not picking up."

"And poor Jimmy's like a ghost. It's like Bobby's the only thing holding us all together sometimes."

Johnny gave a hollow, half-hearted smile.

"Good old Bobby. He was always the down to Earth one, huh?"

There was a deafening silence in the apartment for a moment and I wiped my face on my sleeve before I remembered I had a tissue in my pocket. I withdrew it and attempted to clean myself up a bit. Johnny heaved himself up and came to sit next to me on the sofa putting his arm around me, reassuringly. There was a very long pause as neither of us said or did anything.

"You know... it's kinda weird. But I sometimes wish me and Tommy could swap places, you know?" Johnny said after a while.

"Don't say that." I scolded him, softly. "I don't want you in a coma either. You're my boyfriend."

"Well yeah, but Tommy... he'd know how to cheer you up at least."

"Johnny!" I stared at him, "Why are you doing this to yourself? You're supporting me! You're putting up with my godawful mood! You're there for me! That's all anyone could ask for! If anything, _I'm_ the one being selfish! He's your friend too and..." I realised something that made my insides coil up in shame, "I haven't been nearly supportive enough! I'm so sorry!"

Johnny shrugged.

"Nah. You've been there for me too. We always have each other's backs right?"

I nodded.

"Right! And we always will." Johnny said, defiantly.

"Are you okay?" I asked, seriously, putting my hand on his knee and staring at him, levelly.

"I will be." Johnny nodded.


	4. Save the Date

For the next few days, Johnny and I were careful to stick together and listen to each other's worries. I'd realised just how self-centered I'd been and I was determined to make up for it. Whatever issues we had could wait. For now, we needed to be there for each other, and for Bobby and Jimmy.

On a Saturday, about four days after my little venting session, I was kicking around the apartment while Johnny was in the shower when the phone rang. I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jac. It's Bobby."

"Hey, Bobby. What's up?" I asked, plopping myself down in a kitchen chair.

"Just wanted to say it's um... it's the twenty-third today."

"O..kay." I said, slowly, not sure where Bobby was going with this.

"You know. The twenty-third of January." Bobby pressed.

I sat silent, the cogs in my tired brain struggling to get going. Twenty-third of January... I suddenly got it!

"Oh! ...Oh. It's... It's Tommy's birthday." I said, sadly.

"Yeah. I was just trying to think what we should do. I mean, he's still out but... maybe we should all meet up? Have a drink in his honour?"

I smiled. Bobby was such a thoughtful soul.

"That sounds perfect, Bobby." I replied, my heart swelling from the respect I had for him in that moment. "So, where should we meet you? Usual place?"

"Yeah. Tommy's favourite. Meet you there at, what, six?"

"Sounds good to me, mate." I said, nodding, even though I knew Bobby couldn't see me. Bobby chuckled.

"That still cracks me up." He said.

"What does?"

""Mate". I dunno. It just caught me."

I giggled.

"Hey. Have you or Johnny been able to get in touch with Dutch? Or his girlfriend? What's his latest girl's name? Tara?" Bobby asked.

"Tina. And no. We've tried calling him but he's either not there or he won't pick up. We've been round his apartment too but no luck there either." I answered. "But, you know. All we can do is try. Dutch is just Dutch."

"Well, we tried. He'll appear some time." Bobby reasoned. "Okay. You tell Johnny and we'll meet you there."

"Sure thing. See you later, Bobby."

With that, I hung up. I sat on the kitchen chair, listening to the running water in the bathroom. It had completely slipped my mind that Tommy's birthday was coming up. Before the accident, we'd been trying to decide on what we should do and where we should go. How to celebrate and, in Dutch's case, how drunk to get. The accident had jarred everything and all thought about it had flown out of my head.

I got up out of my chair and traipsed through to the bedroom. The bedroom was no less haphazard than the rest of the flat. Clothes in random piles on the floor (dirty laundry in the next-to-the-chair-by-the-door pile. Clean clothes in the dumped-at-the-base-of-my-chest-of-drawers pile), A few mugs from morning coffees that I hadn't been bothered to move still covered my bedside table and deodorants and aftershaves covered Johnny's. Johnny's headband (which he actually hadn't worn for a few months now) was tied around the bedpost and my dressing gown was hanging on mine. I got on my hands and knees and bent to look under the bed. I shifted boxes and piles of books and magazines until I found it; a white shopping bag. I could only just reach it from where I was and I hooked one finger through the handle and dragged it out into the light. I fished out a baseball shirt with red sleeves that I'd bought Tommy as a present. It had some slogan on the front; "Water's for washin'. Dickel's for drinkin'." Apparently it was some whiskey thing but I didn't get it. But Tommy had seen the shirt and gone nuts over it so I'd made a mental note and gone back later.

Johnny walked through, rubbing a towel over his hair and neck.

"Hey. What's that?" He asked.

"It's a birthday present for Tommy."

"Oh right! Yeah, that's coming up, right? ...Hold on! What day is it?!" Johnny asked, suddenly.

"It's Tommy's birthday." I replied with a slight, sarcastic smirk. "It's the twenty-third."

"Damn. Poor guy's gonna miss it." Johnny pondered, quietly.

"I don't know. He'd probably think it was awesome to wake up a year older than he was when he got knocked out." I couldn't help but giggle at my own dark humour. But I could picture it so well in my head. Tommy's toothy grin. His giggle. Him making a big deal out of it and exaggerating the details to anyone he told to make it seem like he was out longer than he was as a result. "Oh..!" I said, remembering. "Bobby called. We're going to go out for a drink at Tommy's favourite bar in honour of his birthday.

Johnny nodded.

"Okay, cool! I'm up for that." He chucked the towel at the bed and grabbed a pair of underwear from an open drawer. "And we should go to Bobby's later maybe."

"And Tommy's going to miss it." I said, sadly.

"Hey, we'll do it all again when he wakes up, okay? _When _he wakes up!"

That evening, Johnny drove us to the bar in town. It was pretty decent as far as bars went. Not a lot of bar fights (not when Dutch wasn't there anyway), not too many unsavoury characters and decent seating. We were there first but we were only there about ten minutes when the door opened and Bobby and Jimmy walked in, both wearing their leather bike jackets (Bobby's navy and Jimmy's mid blue). I waved them over to our table but got up and met them halfway anyway. I quickly pulled Jimmy into a hug.

"How you doing?" I murmured in his ear.

Jimmy shrugged.

"Okay, I guess." He responded. "Just sucks that... you know."

I nodded.

"Yeah. But, hey. We're here to honour him." I gripped Jimmy's arm. "Hey, Bobby!" I called. Bobby looked up from greeting Johnny. "Where's Molly? I thought you would have brought her along."

"Nah." Bobby said. "She said it was probably better it was just us."

Molly was Bobby's girlfriend. They'd been together for three months so far. They'd met at a Halloween party. It had been something to behold, watching the devil making out with Dorothy from 'The Wizard of Oz'. They'd swapped numbers and, lo and behold, it turned out they were just as compatible sober as they were drunk. Molly was nice. She was a redhead with an athletic build who seldom wore make-up. She generally wore casual stuff and she was studying criminology which was pretty awesome. As far as I could tell, she wanted to be a detective one day.

That was decent of her to think of. But, still, she knew Tommy too now so it wouldn't really have mattered either way.

Johnny got the drinks in as we all sat round one table. It was nice to meet up with the group, but Tommy's absence was as obvious as a missing front tooth. His giggles would normally punctuate all conversation. It seemed incredibly hollow without it. And I found myself missing Dutch too. He was tough and brash when he was sober, but that gave way to an almost manic jollity when he was drunk, which was fine as long as no-one pissed him off. Then he became manic something else instead. It didn't feel right with just the four of us, the two strongest characters missing in action.

Still, I drank my coke as I sat and joined in with the slightly stilted conversation as much as I could. It became apparent very quickly that no-one could think of anything to talk about that would get us all engaged. I gazed down at my coke can with a wave of melancholy. Tommy was more of a Pepsi guy.

I was feeling uneasy. Bobby's plan had sounded so nice in theory. But, now I was here, somehow I felt incredibly uncomfortable, almost ashamed, as though I shouldn't be here and certainly not enjoying myself.

"You know something?" Johnny asked the table as a whole after we'd all been silent for a few minutes, all small talk having run dry. "I'm thinking this might not have been the greatest idea after all. Sorry, Bobby." He added. But Bobby nodded.

"No, man. You're right. I thought it would help us all to go out but, honestly, I can't help thinking about Tommy alone in that hospital."

My heart wrenched as I pictured it. Tommy lying there, battered and bruised, totally unconscious, and on his birthday no less. I carefully stood up.

"I'm going to go to him. Johnny, could I have a lift, please?" I asked, quietly, fighting to keep my voice level so it came across overly formal as a result.

"Of course." Johnny replied, shortly. He drained the last of his beer.

Jimmy stared at him.

"Johnny, don't you dare drive!" He said, suddenly and aggressively. This was such a change from Jimmy's usual, quiet manner that we all looked round at him in shock. "That's how Tommy ended up where he is and Dutch bust up his arm!"

"Jimmy, man, I've had _one_!" Johnny protested. "I'm not over the limit yet!"

Jimmy took a breath in to argue back but Bobby put a gentle hand on his forearm.

"Hey." He said in a low tone. "He'll be fine. Don't worry."

"It's not fine, Bobby!" Jimmy snapped back, his voice rising, refusing to be talked down. Now a few of the other people in the bar were looking over at us.

"Jimmy! Calm down, would ya?" Johnny said, impatiently.

Bobby leant across to Jimmy.

"Would it make you feel better if I drive?" He asked, quietly, and pointed to his half empty glass.

There was a pregnant pause as Jimmy looked from Bobby's half-full glass to Johnny's empty one, up at Johnny, then finally at Bobby with a nod. Johnny heaved a frustrated sigh of relief.

"Yeah. Great. Can we go?" He asked, tersely.

Johnny's car pulled into the hospital parking lot in the dark. We were just getting out when Bobby and Jimmy swung round smoothly to park beside us and removed their helmets. As one, we all walked towards the hospital and stepped through the door in-sync.

Momentarily, I stopped with a shiver. Johnny turned and looked at me quizzically.

"You okay? You cold?" He asked.

"This whole hospital is cold." I responded, shivering again. The truth was, I wasn't especially cold. It wasn't really a shiver that was anything to do with temperature. No. It was more like that shiver you get when someone walks over your grave. A weird little pulse of energy that you can't quite explain, that came from nowhere. But I brushed it off. I figured I was just feeling weird about today.

We were just walking towards Tommy's room when we saw a figure rushing towards us down the corridor. She was shuffling somewhat and her hair was coming out of its braid. I recognised her instantly.

"Ruth!" I called. "Is everything ok-..." but I was cut off as Ruth reached us and grabbed my arm, steadying herself after her little burst of speed.

"Couldn't reach you...!" She said, breathlessly. "Tried calling... wouldn't pick up... Tommy...!"

My eyes went as round as teacups.

"What about Tommy!?" I asked, urgently

"Just... go see him...!" Ruth gasped, trying to gather herself a little.

I glanced up at Johnny. Together, three of us took flight down the corridor. Bobby stayed with Ruth, holding her arm to keep her steady.

My feet barely touched the ground. What had happened? Was he okay? Had he taken a turn for the worst? Was he... no. I wouldn't let myself consider that one. We squeaked to a halt by the door and Johnny pushed it roughly open. We all froze in place as we stared into the room, all of a sudden unsure how to proceed. I was the first to step forwards. I approached Tommy's bed.

He was lying there as he always had done. Still and silent with his head back on the pillow. I walked up beside him.

"Tommy..." I whispered.

And Tommy opened his eyes!

He stared blearily up at me and I could tell he wasn't focussing, but he was awake!

"Oh Tommy!" I cried, and clapped my hands over my mouth. Okay. That had been loud. But I couldn't help it. He was going to be alright!

The corners of Tommy's mouth lifted weakly in an attempt to smile.

"Hey, guys... you made it." He mumbled thickly.

This seemed to un-freeze the guys in the doorway and they both bundled in and started gabbling at once.

"Oh my God!"

"Welcome back, man!"

"We thought you were a goner!"

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Ya ever gone a coupl'a rounds with King Kong while hungover?" Tommy slurred with a half-smirk.

I giggled, despite the tears of relief now streaming down my face. He was only just conscious and he was already making me laugh. I reached out and took his hand as he lay, looking up at me. I entwined my shaking fingers with his and he gripped my hand with what little strength he had. But, compared to the days of nothing, it was a wonderfully powerful grip.

Bobby appeared in the doorway, his arm in Ruth's as he helped her back into the room. She walked slowly to Tommy's side and stroked his forehead, affectionately. Bobby took one look at Tommy and his jaw dropped.

"Holy shit..." he breathed. "Is it... are you...?"

"Heyyy, Bobby." Tommy smiled, crookedly. "Welcome to the party."

Bobby laughed.

"Happy birthday, man!"

Tommy chuckled.

"Right. Thanks." He said. But I'd detected sarcasm in his voice.

"Bobby's not kidding, Tommy. It's the twenty-third. Happy birthday." I smiled.

Tommy's eyes widened a little more as he looked up at me.

"For real?"

I nodded.

"Aw, man. I slept through muh birthday?" Tommy slurred.

"Don't worry about that, man!" Johnny reassured him. "We're gonna party like crazy when you're outta here. Right, guys?" He looked round at us and we all nodded our enthusiastic agreement.

"Definitely."

"For sure!"

Tommy chuckled again.

"Hey. It's kinda cool that I woke up a year older than when I was knocked out at least, right?" He smirked at me and I burst out laughing.

"See! I told you!" I turned to look at Johnny, creased up with laughter.

Johnny simply smiled, nodding.


	5. Not What You Think

A great weight seemed to have been lifted off all of us. Tommy was understandably groggy for a few days but I stayed by his side at every opportunity, often joined by Johnny when he didn't have a class to go to. Bobby and Jimmy visited a lot too, Jimmy especially. Sadly, Dutch was still AWOL, and had been for nearly a fortnight now. But Tommy's Nana stopped by most days.

The nurses had fully given up trying to keep us to the "two visitors at a time" rule and just rolled their eyes whenever the four of us turned up (when it occasionally happened).

I was sitting by Tommy's bed one day, about four days after he'd woken up.

"And then there was this light as I walked further. It was super bright! Blinding, even! It was so beautiful!"

I was listening, enraptured, as Tommy told his story.

"And then there was this big set of gates, right?"

Wait...

"And there was this old guy with a beard and he told me I couldn't come in because I'd been a bad boy!"

Dammit!

"Tommy!" I scolded him, giggling. "That's not funny!"

"Had you going for a minute there, huh?" Tommy grinned.

"C'mon! Seriously! What _did_ you see?" I asked, genuinely interested.

Tommy sighed and settled back on his pillow.

"Honestly? A whole lot of nothing." He said, simply. "I mean, I guess I had dreams from time to time but, you know, nothing that weird."

"Dreams?" I asked.

"Yeah. Had one about _you_ actually."

Now I was interested. I sat up a little straighter.

"Oh? What sort of dreams?"

Tommy smirked.

"Stop it." I said, shortly, without having to ask.

Tommy giggled.

"Okay okay!" He said. "Well, it wasn't an especially long dream. I don't even really remember much. Just your voice. You were calling my name, like you were looking for me in fog, but I couldn't see you."

I felt a jolt in my stomach and I stared at him.

"What!? Are you serious!?" I asked, urgently. "Why didn't you call back!?"

"Uh.. well.. I _tried_!" Tommy faltered, apparently taken aback at my reaction. "I called out to you but my voice wouldn't work or something. And I couldn't move either! I just lay there, mute, and your voice just kinda floated away."

I ran a shaking hand through my hair.

"What? What's wrong?" Tommy asked, sounding worried. "It was just a dream, right?"

"I'm not so sure, Tommy." I said, seriously. "About two nights after the crash, I went looking for you. When I was hopping back to my own world I... I took a detour. Tried to find you."

Tommy's eyebrows went up.

"You were looking for me?" He asked, and smiled, touched.

I looked into his eyes.

"Well, of course I was." I smiled back at him.

There was a strange sort of pause. It was awkward but I couldn't work out how.

"Hey, don't you have classes? You've been here every day. You must have missed a bunch of stuff." Tommy said, breaking the silence.

"Eh. Danny's been taking a load of notes and stuff during class. I'm keeping up, just about." I mused.

"Danny...? Oh! He's the kid with the glasses, right? Black hair?" Tommy asked.

"Yeah. That's him. But he's not a "kid", Tommy. He's a year older than you. He started late."

"Real late!" Tommy exclaimed, surprised.

"Hey, Tommy. I've been meaning to ask you something," I began, remembering. "You obviously know, now, that I met your Nana," I paused to look at him. Tommy's expression barely changed, "how come I never met her before? How come I've never been to your house? How come I only just _realised _I've never been to your house!?"

Tommy looked slightly awkward and shrugged.

"Grown man with no girlfriend who lives with his Nana. ...Makes me a loser, right?" He turned his head away from me, looking mildly crestfallen, and the cuts and bruises still adorning his face made him look so defeated.

"Aww, Tommy!" I exclaimed. "You're not a loser! She's so sweet. I love your Nana! And I think it's so admirable that you stayed around for her!"

Tommy looked back round at me and smiled, his eyes crinkling and sparkling like they used to.

"That's real nice of ya." He said softly.

I put my hand on his.

"Please! Please don't ever be ashamed of her, or where you live, or any of that stuff! Okay?" I implored him. "If I judged you harshly for being there for a family member, what kind of friend would that make me?"

"Thanks, Jac. That's-... what the hell is he doing here!?" Tommy suddenly cried, staring over my shoulder and out into the corridor. I turned to see what he was looking at. Mike Barnes was standing, peering around the door frame. "Hey! Get out of here, man!" Tommy shouted, trying to sound aggressive but obviously nervous in his vulnerable state.

I patted his hand, reassuringly, and stood up. I approached Mike at the door, ignoring Tommy's protests.

"Mike." I said, simply, nodding.

"Hey." Mike replied. "I just... he doing okay?" he asked, apparently not really sure how to word things.

I weighed the situation up very carefully. Tommy was weak and probably scared (though he wouldn't want to show it). Mike had been in the car that hit him. However, Mike had lost his friend that night and seemed genuinely concerned for Tommy's welfare.

"Would you like to come in?" I asked, levelly and calmly. Tommy looked up at me, shocked.

"You crazy!?" He cried.

I turned and walked back to the bed, trying to silently calm him down with a look. I wouldn't let things get out of hand.

Mike slowly crossed the threshold, tensely and his eyes flicked from me to Tommy and back several times. He cleared his throat, awkwardly.

"Hey. I um.." he glanced at me again, "I'm sorry. For... um... what happened." he finished and shoved his hands in his pockets.

Tommy just sat, looking apprehensive. He looked Mike up and down as he stood there, before nodding, curtly, once. I stood beside him.

"I er.. well, that's all, really." Mike carried on.

Another nod from Tommy.

Mike nodded, having to accept that he wouldn't get any other kind of response. Slowly, he turned on the spot and started to leave when he suddenly seemed to remember something.

"Oh. Hey. And that other time. Sorry for that... too." He said.

"...Okay." Tommy said, after a pause. "Thanks."

Another very pregnant pause.

"It wasn't me driving the car!" Mike blurted out, suddenly. "Just so you know that!"

Tommy nodded yet again.

"Okay."

Mike nodded.

"Okay." He echoed Tommy, and walked towards the door.

"Mike!" I called him.

Mike looked round at me, his face not sure what expression to make so it moved awkwardly for a moment.

"Thank you." I said. "That was decent of you."

Mike stared at me for a moment, still trying to decide on an expression. However, he eventually landed on a sarcastic smirk.

"Sure." He said, shortly, and finally left.

Tommy and I simply stared at the spot where he'd vanished for a moment before Tommy spoke again.

"What the hell was that about?" He said. "That's not like Barnes."

"Well," I said, "since Snake died, it seems he's been doing a little bit of, shall we say, re-evaluating? And it wouldn't kill you to be a little more cooperative, Tommy. I mean, he was trying to bury the hatchet after all."

Tommy gave me a sarcastic glance.

"I'm just saying, give it a try!" I said, fairly. "It's not beyond even Mike Barnes to turn over a new leaf at some point in his life." I patted Tommy's shoulder. "Listen, I need to get back to the apartment. I'm sorry. I've got a few bits I need to do. If I neglect them any more, I'll end up walking into a pig sty and not be able to tell the difference. Are you gonna be okay?"

Tommy flexed both arms by way of reply.

"I'm a big boy. I'll be fine." He said, grinning.

I laughed.

"Alright, Schwarzenegger! I'll be back." I said, giggling.

Tommy returned my giggle and waved me out of the door.

I wandered down the corridor, slowly, as if I didn't have anywhere I needed to be and was just walking for the hell of it. I'd got very used to this hospital over the last two weeks. It didn't really freak me out as much as it used to.

As I stepped out of the door, I saw him. He was leaning on the side of, apparently, a brand new, black, open topped car.

"Oh. You're still here." I said as I approached Mike. "I thought, for sure, you'd gone. You want to be careful, you know. You're challenging me for 'Most Frequent Visitor to a Hospital' and, I'll tell you now, I'm competitive!" I laughed and sunk my weight onto one leg.

"Cut it out. I'm not your friend." Mike responded spikily.

"Geez. Alright." I muttered. "Pardon me for trying to cure that sour face of yours." I straightened up and began to make off across the parking lot.

"You're weird, England!" Mike called after me.

"Yup!" I called back, simply, and raised my hand in simple wave.

"Hey!" Mike called as I walked.

I turned.

"_What, _Barnes?"

"So, you wanna get out of here or what!?"

I took a second to process what he'd just said.

"Do I... huh?"

"Do. You. Want. A. Ride!?" Mike sounded it out, patronisingly and my hackles rose briefly, before being replaced with confused shock once more. "Or maybe you _want_ to pay bus fare." Mike added. "Yoo hoo! England! Wakey wakey! Anyone at home up there?"

"_You _want to give _me _a ride?" I asked for clarification.

"_YES!"_

"_WHY!?"_

"Fine! Don't! It's not like I cared anyway!" Mike wrenched his car door open, got in, and slammed it shut.

In a split second, I made up my mind and vaulted the passenger-side door, landing neatly beside him. Mike turned to face me, incredulously.

"So you _do_ want a ride now!"

"I never said I didn't!" I argued. "I only asked why you were offering and you avoided answering!"

Mike snarled at me and a whole catalogue of expressions and partly-formed shapes flitted across his face for a moment before he finally ran a hand through his spiked hair with a sigh.

"My God. Are you like this with your Cobra guys too?" He asked, defeated.

"Probably worse, if I'm honest." I admitted. There was an awkward silence for a moment or two as we just sat there. "So... why _are_ you giving me a lift?"

"I just felt like it, alright!" Mike threw back at me. I raised my hands and sank back into my seat, not saying another word.

"So, where to?" Mike asked me. Neither of us were looking at each other.

I thought about everything I had to do back home. Odd jobs. Laundry, dishes, tidying the place up so I wasn't trekking through magazine jungle whenever I wanted to sit on the sofa. And then what? Sit there and wait for Johnny to come back, I supposed. I was eager to spend time with him but he wouldn't be back for ages. I thought about college. I would have had a class today but, even if Mike floored it, I still wouldn't make it in time. I'd be at least fifteen minutes late. And I had Danny to take notes for me anyway. Although, at this point, I was probably taking advantage of him. I really should think about going back soon.

"College." I said, simply, and Mike hit the gas.

As we were driving, I couldn't help but look over at Mike.

"Funny isn't it? The last time you drove me anywhere, you intended to beat the crap out of me." I said over the rush of air around us.

There was a pause as Mike chewed this over.

"Yeah. I guess so." He said.

"Look, I really am sorry about Snake." I said, sincerely. "It must be rough."

Mike sniffed.

"You live. You die. Could happen any time."

It was exceedingly difficult to get any kind of conversation out of Mike, I found. All his responses were incredibly short and never led anywhere and I didn't want to keep pressing him about why he was being so helpful all of a sudden. He'd probably stop the car and push me out onto the side of the road and drive off. So I kept my mouth shut until we reached the college where Mike pulled over onto the curb. As I got out, Mike still didn't say anything so I turned to face him instead.

"Thank you." I said, sincerely. "Really. Thank you. That was really-... well, thank you."

Mike looked up at me a moment and there was a pause as we held each others' gaze. After a few seconds, he nodded. I smiled.

"See you around, England." He muttered, and pulled away down the street.

I stayed, smiling to myself for a minute or two. Maybe there was hope for Mike Barnes yet. Who knew? Maybe time would tell.

I turned on the spot to look up at the looming buildings of the college campus. Ugh. Ok. Back to class I went. I was over twenty minutes late but, whatever. I'd missed two weeks. What was another twenty minutes? All I knew was that it was about time I relieved poor Danny of his note-writing duties and actually showed up. So I set off. I knew a few short cuts over fences and behind buildings where the kids who played hookey went to smoke and... other such activities. Doubtless I'd come across a couple of them as I walked.

Sure enough, as I skirted a large building just a few yards from the building I was looking for (animal biology) I came across a couple of guys making out in the gloom between brick walls.

"'Scuse me, guys. Sorry. Just getting to class." I said, apologetically as I neared them. They jumped apart like magnets held together at identical poles... and one of them looked very familiar.

"Jimmy!?"

Jimmy pushed his make-out partner (a slim, blonde lad with a spray of freckles) by the shoulder, who turned tail and ran in the opposite direction. Jimmy himself covered his face with a hand and leant back against the wall, knowing the jig was up.


	6. Frayed Edges

"Oh my God! So much of our early relationship makes so much more sense now!" I was saying. Jimmy and I were sitting in the student bar, having completely given up on the idea of class. "No wonder you hated me that Christmas!"

"I didn't hate you!" Jimmy reassured me. "I actually thought you were pretty cool. It's just... well... he liked _you_." His head dropped and he stared into his soda.

"I heard you guys arguing that night." I said, in a low voice. "I didn't want to seem like I was prying so I pretended I was still asleep but then you left the room and I couldn't make it out. Then, when I actually woke up in the morning, you guys just pretended nothing had happened and you were way nicer to me. I thought Tommy had yelled at you for being crappy to me. We never went round yours again though."

Jimmy continued his staring.

"He found out, didn't he." I said.

Jimmy nodded, ashamed.

"_That's _what you were arguing about! Did he find out you had a crush on him?"

Again, Jimmy nodded.

"I-... I almost... I almost kissed him." He practically whispered. "He pulled away from me (of course he did). I thought I'd wrecked our friendship so I ran. When he came after me, I shouted at him. Tried to push him away. But it didn't work. Tommy doesn't give up on anyone. Ever!" He chuckled. "Defeat does not exist. That was always Tommy's favourite part of the motto. And he never said anything. To the others I mean. And I don't want you to, either!" He suddenly looked up at me and stared me straight in the eye. "Not yet. I'm not ready. Dutch would probably murder me."

"Of course I wouldn't, Jimmy! C'mon. You know me better than that." I reassured him and clutched his hand for a moment. "Also, Dutch is still AWOL for now soooo..."

Jimmy shot me a look and I giggled.

There was silence for a few seconds.

"So..." I began, "do you still... well, you know... like Tommy?" I asked, possibly over-casually.

Jimmy actually chuckled at this.

"Nah. I was fifteen and was just figuring stuff out. Yeah, I was crushing on him but... Nah. That's over now. He only ever had eyes for you."

I felt a blush rise in my cheeks.

"So, who was the blond?" I asked, quickly, trying to keep it as casual and conversational as possible because, by the Gods, I was going to make this as easy for Jimmy as possible! Jimmy smiled like a lovestruck teenager and I couldn't help but grin. Love suited him.

"Chas." Jimmy answered, his eyes focussed somewhere I couldn't see. "We've been... well, together (kinda) for about a month. He's on the same course as me and we just got talking and..." He trailed off as he glanced up at me again.

But I was smiling fit to bust.

"That's so sweet, Jimmy!" I gushed, louder than was wanted.

"Ssh!" Jimmy hissed, but he was smiling too. "I mean... thanks. I'm actually glad someone else knows (keeping it a secret has been killin' me!) but keep it to yourself. For now. Okay?"

I nodded.

"Of course, Jimmy. You don't even have to ask! But, you know, when you're ready, it'll be nice to finally meet him."

"Yeah. It's just... Dutch." Jimmy muttered, lowly.

I had to agree with him on that one. Johnny would likely take all this in his stride and Bobby was a kind soul who probably wouldn't care. But Dutch didn't seem to be the most open-minded individual. But he wasn't around for now. Jimmy could have come out to the others. But, I supposed he didn't want Johnny or Bobby tripping up and letting it slip when Dutch eventually came back. All I could do was nod and clasp Jimmy's hand to reassure him as much as I could.

"Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. But..." I ventured, "I suppose I could mention it to Tommy...?"

Jimmy's eyes snapped up to meet mine and he looked very serious.

"Yeah. But if you talk to him about the crush I had on him..!"

"Fuck no! Jesus, Jimmy! I'm not daft!" I cut him off, strongly. "I just meant, I could let him know that I know. You know? We could be your secret cheering section." I smiled, hoping I'd softened things. After a moment's contemplation, Jimmy smiled too, and nodded.

"Right." I said, subtly closing the conversation. "Well, I don't think there's much point me going back to class this period. And I suppose you've missed class too?"

Jimmy nodded.

"Eh, to hell with it. I think I'm going to go home. What about you? Going to track down Chas again?" I asked.

"Nah." Jimmy said. "I'm probably gonna go home too. I'll give you a lift?"

"That's the second offer of a lift I've had today." I giggled. "Yeah. That would be nice. Thank you."

"Second?" Jimmy asked.

"Yeah. Would you believe _Mike Barnes _gave me a lift here!?"

"What!? Why!?"

"I don't know! I tried asking him but he just dodged the question every time. It was weird. He barely said anything to me the entire way here and then just drove off. I don't get it."

"Maybe he's trying to make friends?" Jimmy ventured.

"Well, yeah. That seems pretty obvious. But _why _though?" I said.

"Guilt?"

"Sure, but how does he expect me or Tommy to suddenly be all pally with him? He nearly beat Tommy senseless two years ago and he was in the car that hit him and Dutch. And now Dutch is missing. He's gotta know he's got a bad record with us. A lift to college isn't going to change that. And if Dutch ever _does _reappear, Mike better hope he's the faster runner! Dutch would kill him. He's got a lot of making up to do!" I rambled as Jimmy just sat, staring at me. "Would you trust him?" I asked Jimmy.

"No." Jimmy said, shortly. "If you wanna know what I think, he'd better stay the hell away. Guilty or not, he's caused enough trouble. He can't put a band aid over a fractured skull, know what I mean?"

I nodded. Jimmy did have a point. Still, maybe it was worth investigating further, under the Cobras' radar. Most of me was still pissed off at Mike for everything he'd done. I wouldn't soon forget what he'd done to Tommy! But some small, quiet, Mr. Miyagi-sounding voice in the back of my head urged me to dig a little deeper and try and find some sort of hidden good in the guy. Maybe I should consult Mr. Miyagi himself about this.

I traipsed in through the door of my apartment about half an hour later, and dumped my bag in the armchair near the door.

"Ow! Hey, watch it!" Cried a voice. I jumped and spun round. I'd dropped my bag straight in Johnny's lap as he sat, reading. After I'd recovered from the shock, I laughed, shucked off my jacket and threw that on him too.

Johnny snorted.

"Gee, thanks." He smiled and lifted my paraphernalia off himself and dumped it on the floor while I crossed the room to the kitchen area for a drink.

"You're home early." I remarked, necking a glass of water.

"It's Thursday. No afternoon class, remember?" Johnny retorted.

"Is it Thursday!? Wow... I keep forgetting what day it is lately. After all the time at the hospital, all the days just seem to merge into one." I said, taken aback as I stared, absently, out of the window. The sun was already going down, throwing a deep gold light over the surrounding buildings, set against some contrastingly moody, dark grey clouds. I loved this time of day, especially in the Winter. Then I remembered. "Ah shit! I meant to go back to the hospital after college!" I exclaimed, setting my glass down with an unintentionally loud bang. "Something came up and I forgot!" I hissed expletives at myself and dropped down onto the sofa, running a hand through my signature crop, inwardly kicking myself.

"Tommy would forgive you." Johnny said, quietly, not looking up from his book.

There was something in the way Johnny had said it that made me look up at him. It had sounded slightly sarcastic or even stand-offish but maybe I'd imagined it? I shouldn't ask. It wound Johnny up whenever I "acted paranoid".

I shouldn't ask.

I _shouldn't_!

"What do you mean by_ that_?" I asked, snippily.

Johnny raised his head, his eyes meeting mine and his expression immediately became one of mild confusion.

"What do I mean by _what_?"

"What you said."

"I said Tommy would forgive you. You know, like always." Johnny said, a picture of innocence.

"It wasn't what you said, Johnny. It was the way you said it." I countered.

"I didn't say it like anything!"

Johnny's voice was starting to rise, the pressure building.

"Why do you always do that?" I asked, frustrated. "You say something with some sarcastic tone, then act like you didn't. It drives me nuts."

"Like it doesn't piss me off when you interrogate me about it?!" Johnny snarled. He threw his book down and grabbed the chair arms, about to lift himself out of his seat.

"No! ...No, Johnny. Don't. Just... stay sitting down. I'm sorry." I said, softly, backing down, quickly. I didn't have the strength to fight today. Not today. And not Johnny. I stepped forwards and stroked Johnny's shoulder, wordlessly begging forgiveness. Johnny was still tense for a moment or two but, eventually, he put out a hand and rubbed my arm, accepting my apology, grudgingly.

"Don't worry about it." He muttered.

I sighed, despairingly. Stupid little arguments seemed to start so easily these days.


	7. Two Down

For the next couple of days, I stuck to Johnny like glue. I could feel us unravelling and it was making me feel incredibly lost. If we split, that would be the end of our gang.

One day around noon, Johnny and I left Tommy's side to get some lunch in town. We swung by the old diner that I used to work at to get some food and have a chat with Sarah, whom I hadn't spoken to properly in months. She was happy to see me but her smile soon dropped when we gave her the news of Tommy. She'd known all of the guys by sight over the last four years or so and she sent her best to him through us. We thanked her and were just stepping out of the diner when Johnny paused and stared at a guy with dark hair getting in his car a little way down the street.

"What's up, Johnny?" I asked him, looking at the guy too. There didn't seem to be anything remarkable about him.

"Get in the car." Johnny said, shortly.

"Huh?"

"I said get in the car! C'mon! Quick! I don't wanna lose him!"

I was confused but swiftly got into the passenger seat and closed the door as Johnny ran round to the driver's side and threw himself in, turning the key in the ignition with a strange, frantic urgency.

"Johnny! What's going on?" I asked, getting worried. Johnny threw our wrapped sandwiches in my lap and stepped on the gas. The car surged forwards as we followed the black Acura down the road.

Johnny didn't answer me but muttered to himself,

"Can't be..."

I was totally confused and sat, staring at Johnny's unwitting, motorised quarry ahead of us as it rounded corners, paused at junctions and waited at traffic lights. Johnny never lost it. Occasionally, a car or two would end up between our car and the one he was tailing but he always stayed on it until, after about ten minutes or so, we saw it pull into a garage. A garage that already had a white car parked outside with half its body missing. Johnny pulled in and undid his belt, stepping out of our car just as the driver of the Acura did the same. I followed him, dropping the, as yet uneaten, sandwiches in my seat. I joined Johnny as he strode towards the guy.

"I knew it was you." Johnny said as he approached.

The driver looked up and, all at once, I realised who we'd been following.

"Dutch!?" I stared at him. His hair was jet black (even his eyebrows were now dark) and he'd styled it differently. Now he was rocking a pretty stylish pompadour and, in his ear, he had a small hoop of gold. He wore a black leather jacket above blue jeans and brown leather shoes. He'd completely reinvented himself. Although his jacket was over both shoulders, his right arm wasn't through its sleeve. I could see it hanging underneath the right side, still in its hefty cast. "Whoa! You look great! How are you?" I said, genuinely smiling for what felt like the first time in years. I stepped forward to hug him.

Dutch himself just looked kind of stunned as he let himself be hugged, though he didn't return it.

"What are you guys doing here?" He asked. "How did you find me?"

"Saw you in town, man. We were just getting something to eat." Johnny said, smiling. "Haven't seen you at college. Where you been?"

"Quit." Dutch said, shortly, his expression becoming hard and dark. He opened the door of his Acura, picked up a new set of tools (that he must have just bought) with his good hand, then turned and walked into the garage. "And you can forget trying to get me to go back!" He called over his shoulder. "That means you." He said, pointing at me.

"I wasn't going to say anything!" I protested.

"Well, that'd be a first." Dutch remarked. He put the set down on a work bench and set about sorting them all into various drawers and boxes. I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, give Jac a break." Johnny said. "We've missed you, man. What you been doing? Keeping busy?"

"Didn't you see my car out front?" Dutch asked, fixing Johnny with a shrewd stare.

Johnny looked round and back out into the yard.

"That was the Ford?" He asked, surprised.

"Yup. Been fixing her." Dutch said, going back to his sorting. "Dad always said that if I bust it, I fix it, so that's what I'm doing."

"That's really awesome, Dutch." I said, impressed. "I didn't know you did that stuff."

Dutch smirked, despite himself.

"Yeah well. The old man's been a car guy since he was younger than me. Just kinda grown up around it, y'know? And it keeps me busy." He glanced at Johnny who nodded, quietly.

"Well, I think it's really cool. And I'm digging the new look too. How have you been fixing the car with only one hand though?"

"Got a guy helping me. One of Dad's buddies. He's been doing the heavy lifting. And, anyway, it's been over three weeks now. I can still do a bit with this." He wiggled the fingers at the end of his cast and flexed them to prove his point.

"I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be doing that." I said, concerned. "The nurse told you to-..."

"And there it is." Dutch interrupted me. "Look, _Mom_, it's fine! _I'm_ fine! I'd rather be doing something."

I paused. There was no point fighting Dutch. I'd known the guy for nearly a decade. If he wanted to work with a broken arm, there was nothing I could say to stop him. In fact, he'd probably deliberately exacerbate his injury if I tried. Dutch was just backwards that way. Rebellious to a fault. So I just shrugged.

"M'kay." I said.

"We've been missing you, man! We couldn't reach you. Tommy woke up!" Johnny said, happily.

Dutch looked up from his work bench.

"For real?" He said, his mood seeming to lift, somewhat.

"Yeah, about a week ago now. And you missed the guy's birthday." Johnny scolded him (but not seriously). "Y'know, we could go and see him now, if you want." He ventured, gauging Dutch's reaction. Dutch really didn't seem to know what to say.

"I uh... It's been a long time. It might be weird if I go back now." He said eventually.

I glanced down, wondering if this might have something to do with his own injury. He'd truly hated being in hospital and had practically run out of the building the first chance he'd got and we hadn't seen him since. It had been the devil's own job to get him to stay overnight in the first place. At least there, I felt I had something in common with Dutch. True, we'd never seen eye to eye, but _that_ I got.

"Tommy would be glad to see you." I said, gently. "We really have missed you."

Dutch snorted.

"Don't give me that! It's true!" I insisted. "The group hasn't been the same without you. We need our tough guy back."

I could see Johnny smirk out of the corner of my eye and he turned to hide it from Dutch. He and I both knew that Dutch was a sucker for this kind of flattery. We'd discovered it completely by accident when I was sixteen and full of way too many emotions.

Sure enough, Dutch hung his hands in his pockets by his thumbs, weight on one leg as an internal argument seemed to happen behind his eyes. With one head tilt, two or three quick blinks and a sweet smile from me, I knew I'd cracked him. He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment before looking away from me.

"C'mon, guys. Get in the car." Johnny said, struggling to keep his face straight and his voice level. Dutch grudgingly followed us back to Johnny's car.

"You're an asshole." He shot at Johnny as we reached it and Johnny opened the driver's door.

Johnny sniggered.

"Man, are you ever _not _going to fall for that one?" He asked, grinning all over his face.

"Fuck you." Dutch spat as he went to sit in the passenger seat.

"Hey, Dutch, wait a minute!" I said, suddenly. Dutch paused with one leg in the door.

"What?"

"You're about to sit on our sandwiches." I reached between the seats and rescued the poor, forgotten sandwiches from being flattened.

I trotted ahead of Johnny and Dutch as we walked down the, by now, very familiar hospital corridors. I could have run through them at full speed to Tommy's room with my eyes closed without running into anything, I knew them that well. It had got to the point that I no longer noticed the clinical, chemical smell or the squeaky floor or the over-shiny equipment or the ominous beeping.

I reached Tommy's door and peered inside. Tommy was sitting up and watching the TV with a decidedly morose expression on his face, and the lingering cuts and bruises only emphasised it. However, this soon lightened as I made my entrance.

"About time!" He greeted me with a grin, and turned the television off with the remote that lay by his side on the bed clothes.

"What were you watching to make you look so bloody grumpy!?" I asked, giggling.

"Soccer." Tommy replied, simply, and pulled a face. "Nothing else on."

"Hey, I brought you a present." I said, as I heard Johnny and Dutch's conversational buzz drawing closer through the open doorway.

"Oh yeah?"

I gestured to Johnny and Dutch as they walked through the door, with a flourish like some glamorous assistant on a game show, showing off prizes.

"Knock it off." Dutch scolded me, and pushed me away by my head (but not that hard). I just giggled and turned to face Tommy.

"Ta daaaa!" I said, happily.

"I said, knock it-...!" Dutch started.

"Hey, Dutch! Dude, you look great!" Tommy said, grinning from ear to ear. "It's been a while. But, you know. I slept in." He giggled.

Dutch just shifted uncomfortably, apparently not sure if he should smile or not.

"Uh... hey, man. How's it going?" he mumbled.

"Getting bored enough to watch soccer. So... pretty bad." Tommy laughed.

The corner of Dutch's mouth lifted in a half-smile at this.

"But how about you?" Tommy asked, a tad more seriously. "Your arm..?"

Dutch shrugged and didn't respond.

"Well, nurse says I won't be here much longer." Tommy smiled, veering off the subject quickly, sensing Dutch's defences going up.

"You're coming home?" I said, happily. Then I caught myself. "_Going_ home, sorry. Where did that come from..?" I muttered to myself.

"Yep! A few more days of watching soccer and wanting to hang myself with the IV, then home." Tommy laughed.

I laughed too.

"Tommy! Ssh!"

"It'll be good to have you back, man!" Johnny said, smiling. "Life is way too freaking quiet without you around."

Casual conversation carried on for the next half hour or so, as we all stood or sat around Tommy. I was happier in the car on the way home later on as the sky began to get darker. I sat, eating my quickly deteriorating sandwich, with a smile on my face as Johnny silently stared ahead at the road.

"Isn't it awesome!" I was saying, "Dutch and Tommy in the same day. I honestly thought Dutch had up and left us and we'd never see him again. Like, I thought he'd left town or something." I paused for a bite of my sandwich. "And Tommy's getting out too!" I said, my voice muffled by bread. I knew it was rude to talk with my mouth full but I was too excited. "Ruth is going to be so happy to have her grandson back, huh?!"

Johnny nodded.

"Yeah." He said, simply. He was smiling calmly, and that was enough to set me off rambling again.

Of course, I should have realised that Johnny being so quiet and monosyllabic was a warning sign.

I should have asked him about it. Maybe I could have changed what happened next.

"Hey, uh... Listen. We need to talk."


	8. One to Go

I looked at Johnny quizzically as we continued to drive through the building darkness. His eyes remained on the road. I was finding his expression hard to read. He didn't look angry or upset. He didn't look annoyed. His whole face was incredibly balanced. Not happy. Just not negative, particularly.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked, quietly, part of my brain already bracing itself. Deep down, I sensed where this was going. I just couldn't believe he'd choose _now_.

"Dutch and Tommy are back. Y'know, like you said." Johnny said, apparently measuring each phrase, carefully. "And..."

"Johnny..."

"Look, you said something a while ago and it stuck with me. You said we're not great at communicating, right?"

"Johnny, I-...!"

"No! Just listen to me a minute, okay? That's exactly what I'm getting at. Communication! So I didn't get what you meant at first. We talk just fine. We can... what's that phrase you use?"

"Talk the back legs off a donkey." I said, quietly.

"Right. And, sure. We can. When it's something like movies or music or... _karate_!" He smiled and I found myself smiling too, even though my stomach was twisting into knots. "But, you know something? That's kinda where it ends. And, my God, I love you! I do! I just think that... maybe... it's not enough?"

I felt a huge wave wash over me and my throat became incredibly tight against the tears that threatened to flow. Johnny's face was still composed but there was a sadness in his eyes.

"I know..." I choked. "I love you too, Johnny..." I sobbed and my head fell forwards so I ended up staring down at the half eaten sandwich still in my lap. I didn't feel like eating it at all now. "I'm sorry!" I cried, fat, hot tears rolling unattractively down my face. "I tried! I really tried! It just never seemed to work!"

"I know you did."

"I don't want the gang to split up!"

That last part burst out without any pre-thought. It was the biggest worry I'd had. The worst-case scenario. It fell from my mouth without warning. Lose Johnny and our little group went with him. It was over.

"I don't want it to be over!" I sobbed, putting my face in my hands.

"Hey, Jac, c'mon." Johnny said, soothingly. "Look, okay. I'm gonna need some time. _You're _gonna need some time. But we'll get over it won't we? And I'm not gonna stop being friends with you! That's just dumb. You're smarter than that. You're so damn smart! Okay? You're stuck with me. Got it? We were friends before, we can be friends again."

I nodded, trying to laugh, but I couldn't. All of a sudden, every good moment Johnny and I had ever shared was streaming through my head. Every romantic date. Every soft memory. As though my brain had instantly forgotten the needless arguments, the petty comments, the almost daily raising of hackles and flexing of claws, born out of trying to make a failing relationship work. Both of us had been too stubborn to admit that it wasn't working and put up with it anyway. None of that existed now. All I wanted to do was claw at the positive, as if it was everything our eighteen months together had been. It felt like breaking up would render it all a lie. Like leaving was admitting that I'd been wrong. _We'd _been wrong. It was admitting defeat. We'd lost the fight. And defeat did not exist in this dojo!

But it did...

this time.

"Hey." Johnny said, softly. "Let me pull over a minute." He pulled the car up onto the verge. We were a little way out of town and there were only a few lights lining the edge of the road that illuminated our faces with orange. Every so often, a car drove past, throwing a stark light over us in a blinding sweep before disappearing. Johnny faced me so we were looking into each other's eyes.

"Look, I learned something from Ali all those years ago," Johnny began, "we were just like us. Great at the start! But the longer it lasted, the less it worked. And she tried to talk to me about it too! She really tried to get me to see that it wasn't working out! But I was an _asshole_! I told her not to be so stupid, that it was a rough patch and we'd work it out. But it didn't and she kept trying and I kept telling her no until she eventually just ended it with me. And after that... well, you know the rest. In the end, I lost her altogether. We never stayed in contact. She moved away to Virginia and that was that. I didn't just lose a girlfriend, I lost my friend too. And I am_ not_ losing you that way! Got it? Not you! Because, fuck, you're special to me! And you're part of this world and our group now and I don't ever want that to change. So, yeah. I'm breaking up with you. Because you know we were going that way anyway. All we ever did was piss each other off and that's exactly what happened with Ali."

"Johnny..." I hiccuped.

"I know. It sucks. It really fucking sucks! I didn't ever want to feel like this again but I can't make the same mistake twice. And I have to do it now, before it gets worse."

I nodded, tears still rolling down my cheeks, my brain still trying, frantically, to convince me that our relationship was all sunshine and rainbows and no fights because it was easier than the yawning void of darkness before me.

"Tommy and Dutch are back. You got them now. They'll look after ya. And I'll be back, I promise."

"I don't want to." I whispered. It sounded so childish that I cringed, even through my tears.

"Well, that's not your decision."

It was a harsh statement but he said it so soft. So low. But so firm. I knew he couldn't be swayed. So I just sat there and sobbed. I reached my hand out for his. He took it and squeezed it gently.

"I'll take you to Bobby's." Johnny murmured after a while.

So we drove silently through the strengthening dark. There was a furious battle going on in my head. One side was screaming at me to say something, to stop this, to find some way to make it work and keep going as we always had done. It screamed and screamed that I could fix everything if only I was smart enough. But the other side of me was shaking her head and trying to talk some sense into her, reminding her that we'd barely acted like a couple in weeks. We never really spent any time around each other any more and, when we did, it often ended with a few terse words and an icy exit. It wasn't fair to either of us to stay together. We were stopping each other from being with people who loved us as more than just best friends. People who'd be devoted to us.

I couldn't imagine being with anyone else right now. And the thought of Johnny being with anyone else was like acid in my stomach. But I didn't say anything. I bit my tongue and stayed silent. It hurt so much, but it needed to happen.

I stayed silent when we got to Bobby's.

I stayed silent as Johnny got out and rung the doorbell and explained the situation to Jill and Brian, and eventually Bobby.

I stayed silent as I walked through the door to concerned babbling from Jill.

I stayed silent until I turned around and saw Johnny standing by the open door of his car and he looked at me sadly, throwing up a hand in a simple wave.

The floodgates opened and I broke down in sobs. I ran from Bobby's front door towards Johnny's car, but he'd already got in and started the engine. One last hug! One last kiss! That would be enough! I could live with that! Johnny didn't look round. He pulled out of the drive and drove away down the street, leaving me standing at the end of Bobby's drive in the open gateway, desolate and feeling like I'd just been pushed off a cliff. I was a mess and I knew it but I was too detached from my surroundings to care. So detached, in fact, that I didn't hear Bobby walk up behind me.

He put his arms around me and just held me. I spun around and buried my face in his striped jumper, bawling my heart out against his chest.

A voice came from the doorway.

"Bobby... Oh my God." I peered over Bobby's shoulder and saw Molly, Bobby's girlfriend, standing there in a simple flannel shirt and jeans.

"Go back inside. I'll be there in a minute." Bobby told her.

"I'm-... I'm sorry.." I sniffed disgustingly and tried to pull away from Bobby, waves of despair continuing to wash over me as I continued to cry like the world just ended. But Bobby held onto me firmly, refusing to let me go, and placed a hand on my head, stroking my hair with his thumb.

"I'm gonna make you snotty.." I mumbled.

"I don't care." Bobby replied.

"I'll get her some tissue." Molly said, kindly, and withdrew back into the house.

Bobby and I stood in the night air, without talking, for a couple of minutes as I tried to calm down.

"Hey. The family room might be more comfortable." Bobby murmured. "Mom's making hot chocolate. That's your favourite right?"

Later, I sat on the sofa, feeling restless and uncomfortable. I was trying to listen to Jill as she tried to take my mind off things with evenings out I could join in with, now I was living here again. I was trying not to think of Johnny alone in our... _his_ flat. Or maybe he'd gone somewhere else? A college friend's maybe? Another powerful wave of sadness crashed over me and fresh tears rolled down my puffy, blotchy face. My Gods, I must have looked disgusting! But Jill fussed over me and grabbed some tissue to mop me up, then pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back with pretty constant "Sssh!".

Bobby, Molly and Brian all tried to cheer me up and reassure me and make me laugh. Molly was fiercely insisting he must be crazy to dump me (she hadn't known either me _or_ Johnny very long, bless her. But she tried). Bobby was throwing around suggestions for concerts we could go to and movies we could see, the three of us. Even Brian put in an attempt with a gruff "His loss, huh?".

At about nine o'clock that night, I was still sitting in the same spot on Bobby's sofa, trying hard not to think about the movie nights and sleepovers we'd had in here. I wanted something to take my mind off everything but nothing I tried worked. All the best movies that Bobby had, we'd watched together. All of us, Johnny included. I thought about reading a book and picked one off the shelf, but after reading the same line nine times without taking anything in, I put it back. I turned on the television but there was only some sports game on. I wasn't even sure what it was. American football maybe? At least the general buzz of the game was lessening the consistent wailing in my head. I curled up, catlike, and tried to get interested in the sport.

Bobby came back through and sat on the other end of the sofa.

"How you doing?" He asked.

I shrugged. The initial impact had passed. Now I was dealing with the dull, continuous shockwaves. My face throbbed and felt hot and my eyes were stubbornly fuzzy, despite how many times I blinked hard or rubbed them to get my vision to clear.

"It came out of nowhere, Bobby." I mumbled, thickly. "We were so happy. We found Dutch, Tommy's getting out of hospital. And then he went and dropped _that_ on me! There's no way I could ever have seen that coming!" I paused as a fresh stream of tears flowed. "Why today? Why then? It doesn't make any sense!"

Bobby inhaled deeply and sighed.

"Life's messy. And there's never a "good" time to break up with someone. Johnny knew that. Maybe he did it _because_ you were so happy. Maybe he thought it'd hurt less."

"Well he was wrong!" I spat at Bobby, and instantly crumpled, feeling immediate guilt for snapping at him. "I'm sorry..!" I choked.

Bobby rubbed my shoulder.

"It's okay." He said, softly. "I mean, I kinda get it. Why he did it today, I mean. Imagine if he'd done it when you were feeling like shit. That'd be worse, right?"

"Why did it have to happen at all, though?!" I hiccuped. I saw Bobby take a breath in and held up my hand. "No! No... don't... don't answer that." I said, trying to calm myself down. "I know. It had to happen eventually. Neither of us were happy. I just wanted to pretend for a bit longer, you know?"

"You'd never stop pretending." Said Jill's voice from over by the door. Bobby stood to allow his mum to take his place and she sat down beside me. "I know you're trying to think of all the ways you could have made it better, everything you could have tried if only you had more time. But all you're going to do is hurt yourself. You couldn't fix it. And that's okay! Because maybe it was never meant to _be_ "fixed". It was never broken to begin with because it simply wasn't there. But you know what _is_ there?"

I shook my head.

"A really good friend. And that's safe for you now. Just think, if you'd spent all your time trying to fix a love that didn't exist, that might have been lost. And I know you love him! I do, sweetheart! But you need to take some time and think about how you really feel and what you truly want."

I took a breath and Jill gently put a single finger to my lips.

"Don't answer now. Your emotions are all going crazy. Do me a favour and sleep on it." She winked at me with a smile and clutched my hands momentarily before getting up. "Bobby, go make sure her bed's set up."


End file.
